Short Shorts: Kindergarten Cop


There has been a lot of debate about the high frequency of school shootings in the United States of late. While some focus on the motives and means of the killers, others take a more pragmatic response to stop the opportunities of potential killers. One particular solution which has been proposed is to arm teachers. Now, one might point out that this solution simply changes the killer’s state of mind from ‘kill fucking everyone’, to ‘kill the teacher first, then kill fucking everyone!’. Valid criticism, perhaps.

I, for one, welcome this idea. As the son of a teacher who is in her late sixties and struggles to carry a bottle of milk from the fridge to the oven (she’s also senile), I can’t think of a better idea than strapping momma with a Glock .45 and letting her rip.

There is more than just my dear mother to relate to, though. It is well known that teachers are among the most highly paid workers in the world, who receive exactly all the admiration and respect fitting for their honourable occupation. They are in no way disgruntled or undervalued, and they certainly have plenty of free time to go to a shooting range and practice. The costs of this training could either be paid for by their vast reserves of discretionary income, or, failing that, with tax hikes – something everyone can get on board with.

There are other practical solutions proposed, too. One company has recently started selling bullet-proof blankets for students. But why stop there? We should turn these tragedies into opportunities. Make bullet-wound first aid a critical part of the curriculum. Arm all of the students and let them fight a Hunger Games-esque battle for supremacy. Use out of date textbooks as body armour. Institute a policy that all shootings must occur on the track and field and have the fitness coaches time the students’ fleeing abilities.

There really is limitless potential here and there are no bad ideas – except for tightening gun regulations, because that’s just fucking stupid.

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